Writer’s Name: Elise Sollman
Reader’s Name: Briana Salter
1. Is the introductory paragraph engaging? Why or why not? What does the writer give you to make you want to continue reading?
The introductory paragraph is engaging, it makes me want to continue reading. The last sentence intrigues me and keeps my interest.
2. Is the point or purpose of the description clear? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s reason for writing this descriptive essay? If the thesis is explicitly stated, copy and paste it below…if the thesis is inferred, type what you believe to be the writer’s thesis below:
The point of the essay is clear. The writer states in the first paragraph that the trip she took with her father led her to the most beautiful thing that she has ever seen. There isn’t a clear thesis, but the purpose of the essay is clear to the reader.
Although the writer makes it clear what she did and what she saw on her trip, there isn’t much detail over all. I felt as though the main point of her essay, the moment her and her father witnessed the sunrise in the state park, was not described in much detail at all.
a. Where would you like the writer add more visual detail?
I think that more visual detail could have been added throughout the essay. She could have added more visual detail while explaining the other stops they made, as well as much more detail about the sunrise.
b. Where would you like the writer add more sound detail?
Very little sound detail was included. Although she included the sounds of birds chirping, she could have included noises while in the car; the stereo, cars zooming past…
c. Where would you like the writer add more smell detail?
I did not find any smell detail in the essay. If the writer included the time of year, she could have described the smell of the outdoors, or while they were watching the sunrise she could have included smells from that setting.
d. Where would you like the writer add more taste detail?
No taste detail was included in the essay. Although the ice store that they usually stopped at was closed, she could have included the taste of the snacks that they brought along on their trip.
e. Where would you like the writer add more feel or touch details?
Because most of her trip was spent in the car, I could see why she didn’t include much detail, but she could have included the hard feel of the car door or window against her head.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the essay’s thesis? Is it clear to you how each of the paragraphs relate to the description or observation the writer is providing? Why/why not? Indicate the paragraph(s) that don’t seem to fit the focus of the essay below:
I feel as though the focus of the essay is lost towards the end. The beginning of the essay implies that the main focus is about seeing the sunrise, but the end of the essay is about the time she spent with her father and how that is important to her. I think to make the essay flow more, she should incorporate both of the themes, or chose one and focus on that. I think if the writer wants to focus on the sunrise, then the end paragraph should be rewritten.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Do the main ideas seem logically organized (using chronological or least-to-most-important or spatial order, for example)? Why/why not? Note the paragraph(s) that seems out of order below:
I think that the essay has good organization. The writer does a good job with presenting the ideas so that the writer has a sense of where the story is going. Although I think the last paragraph veers a little off course, she does a good job of wrapping up the essay.
6. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Let the writer know which paragraphs need transitions. What could the writer do to make the connection between the main ideas expressed in the individual paragraphs and the thesis clearer?
I think that there is a good transition between the first and the second paragraphs. The writer does a good job at ending one paragraph and beginning another. The thoughts are began and ended well within each paragraph. I think that the last paragraph could have included more of the thesis.
7. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
What I like best about the essay is that I get a good mental picture of the trip that she took with her father, and I can understand why that meant so much to her. To make this essay better, I think she could include more sensory details that would help to enhance the imagery. Another change that could help to improve the essay would be if she tied the last paragraph back to the thesis statement.
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