Definition Based Peer Review

Writer’s Name & Title of Essay: Mallory Wehr- Why I Want a Wife/Husband Essay

Reader’s Name: Briana Salter

1.       

      1.First of all, does the essay respond appropriately to the assignment: 1) Is the writer writing about a group or class that he or she is a member of?  (For example, a male shouldn’t be writing an “I Want a Girlfriend” essay; also an “I Want a Genie” essay would not be acceptable), or 2) Is the writer ranting against a pet peeve or current societal shortcoming?  Explain your answer.

     Yes, the writer responded appropriately to the assignment. The writer belongs to a group known as “girlfriends.”

2.       

          2.“I Want a Wife” is a good example of an essay with an implied thesis statement.  Does your writer have an explicit (stated) or implicit (implied) thesis?  If the thesis is clearly stated, re-write it below.  If the thesis is implied, write what you believe the thesis to be below.

     The conclusion does not have a pronounced thesis. I know that she will be writing about what it is like to be a girlfriend, but there is not a sentence that sums up well what she will be talking about. I feel as though the conclusion should be shortened, she has added one too many ideas in this first paragraph. I am not able to state an implied thesis because all the writer tells me is that she too would like to have a girlfriend. Everything else she mentions is about what her past relationships were like, which has very little to do with the definition of a girlfriend.

                       

3.      3. Is the writer’s term or concept sufficiently defined?  Why or why not?  What other information would help you “define” this term?

     The writer only briefly touches on the definition of a girlfriend. I feel as though she spent too much time talking about the personality traits she would want in a girlfriend rather than the duties of a girlfriend. The essay we read for this assignment was written by a woman and a man that were talking about themselves, but they were not using first person. I think this writer switches from using first person to third person, which makes for some confusion. After reading the essay I know very little about what she thinks it takes to be a girlfriend.

4.       

           4.Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis?  Point out any paragraph(s) that you have difficulty relating to the thesis statement or definition. 

     In the introduction she mentions that she wants a girlfriend, but in the body of the essay there are only a few examples as to why she would want one. I feel as though the list of characteristics she gave could describe a variety of groups of people. I think the third paragraph is very out of place, it does not fit the rest of the essay, it goes off track.

5.       

     5.Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently?  Why/why not?  Note any paragraph that seems out of order.  Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically?  Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected?  Explain.

     If the third paragraph was taken out, I think that would help focus the essay a little more. Because this assignment called to list duties of a certain type of person I think it would be difficult to organize efficiently, but maybe if the writer group similar ideas into the same paragraph, like school related duties, family, and personal. I think that the writer could improve on the transitions between paragraphs; it would help the essay flow a little better. If the paragraphs had separate topics I think it would help with the transitions.  

6.       

     6.Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed?  What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific details that would help define the writer’s term(s) or concept?  Does the writer utilize the different strategies of definition (see “Notes of Definition” posted June 1st)?  What strategy should the writer consider using more?  Explain your answer—why would this strategy be effective?

     As far as defining what a girlfriend is, I do not think the reader accomplished this. Because the writer was supposed to define something by class, she should have given examples as to why being a girlfriend is different than being a friend, a mother, or a coworker. I think that she lost sight of this a little bit. If the writer focused more on the duties of a girlfriend, and defined being a girlfriend in a way that it was noticeable the essay would be more focused.

7.       

7    7.Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent?  Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).  

     The third paragraph is definitely out of place, and there are a few sentences that do not make much sense, or lose focus. I think if the writer grouped ideas then there would be more unity within the essay.

8.       Brady’s essay is also a good example of an effective tone…while not quite a rant, she definitely exudes frustration with society’s expectations of “wifely” duties.  Does the essay you’re reading have a similar tone?  

      8.What could the writer do to sound even more exasperated?

     I do not feel as though there is any tone to the essay. If the writer explained the duties of a girlfriend, or described in more detail what it takes to be a girlfriend, I think there would be a certain tone to the essay.

9.      

     9.Now look at sentences.  Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images?  Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells?  Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of?  (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.) 

     I think that the fifth paragraph captures what the essay should be about. The writer describes the duties that most girlfriends take up to please their boyfriends, and within this paragraph there is a certain tone.  I think the writer uses commas a little too frequently, and the essay would benefit from more vivid description.

10.  

     10.Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper.  Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement.  What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?

     What I like about the paper is that the writer does list a lot of good personality characteristics that make a good girlfriend. She is descriptive in the personality traits. I think that the essay would improve if the writer focused more on the duties of a girlfriend, and complained a little bit!