Writer’s Name & Title of Essay: Olivia Thompson -Mean Girls
Reader’s Name: Briana Salter
1.
1 1.Is the introductory paragraph interesting? Why or why not? What does the writer give you to make you want to continue reading? Can you tell what strategy the writer is using to begin the essay (see handout)?
I did not find the introduction very interesting. I feel as though the writer presented a couple of different ideas, not focusing on either idea. There is not much incentive to keep reading. I think to help with this, the writer should pick one idea, then elaborate to capture the readers interest. The process of the essay is not apparent in the introduction.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s purpose?
There is not a clear thesis statement. Because the writer mentions a couple of different ideas, it’s hard to determine the purpose of the essay. I can guess that that the essay is about being judged based on appearance, or about how cliques influence other people and how they are treated, but the idea is not clear.
3.Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
Implied Thesis: Being a female, judgment and discrimination is a part of daily life.
4.Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis? Point out any paragraph(s) that you have difficulty relating to the thesis statement or the point or purpose of the examples provided.
I do not think that all of the paragraphs contribute to the purpose of the essay. The writer veers off topic and talks about her work habits. Only a couple of paragraphs address the idea, and I do not feel as though strong enough examples were given. I think the examples could have been more descriptive and the writer could have expressed how she felt at the time these comments were made.
5.Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The paragraphs definitely need to be revised. The introduction does not give a clear example of the purpose of the essay. The body of the essay is not paragraphed correctly. None of the paragraphs have specific topics, they contain several different ideas, and very few of them relate to the topic at hand. The conclusion is not satisfying. I do not feel as though the writer addressed the idea at the end, the essay does not feel finished.
6.Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s point or concept?
The writer gives some details, but they are mostly about the job she performed, not about being judged or how she felt about being judged. If more examples were given, or if she could have related the specific experience to something else, I think it would help the idea that “the female population is known extremely well for judging other people.”
7.Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
I do not think that the essay has much unity or coherence. Some sentences do not make much sense, and the paragraphs would benefit from organization. I feel as though the writer did not try and organize the ideas, they seem to jump around. I feel as though some entire paragraphs are irrelevant to the story, and adding specific details would help to add coherence to the story.
8.Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
The introduction brings up issues such as women judging other women based on appearance, dominance between women, and mean girl cliques that form to put other girls down. I feel as though the essay very briefly touches only on topic, the mean girl clique. The conclusion focuses on something completely different: issues between coworkers. The writer mentions that she is a hard worker, and that she tries not to upset anyone at work. I do not feel as though the conclusion and introduction have the same topics in mind. The conclusion could be improved if the writer focuses less on work and more about how she deals with being judged.
9.Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
None of the sentences really stand out. The writer does not use many verbs, the sentences are not detailed, and it’s easy to lose focus of what the essay is about. I find that the sentences run on, and some of them do not make sense. The essay would benefit if the writer organized the sentences better.
10.Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
What I like about the paper is that it addresses a topic that most women are familiar with. I think there is a lot to say about this topic, so if the writer refocused the essay it could be a good story. If the writer organized her thoughts and added specific detail, the essay would improve.
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