Writer’s Name & Title of Essay: Maya Tolefree; Motherhood
Reader’s Name: Briana Salter
1. 1.Is the introductory paragraph interesting? Why or why not? What does the writer give you to make you want to continue reading? Can you tell what strategy the writer is using to begin the essay (see handout)?
The introductory paragraph is not very captivating. The writer makes it known what the essay will be about, but other than that there is not much incentive to keep reading. From the introduction I am not able to decipher what strategy will be used.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s purpose?
I believe that the thesis statement is clear. I have a clear idea what the topic of her essay is about.
3.Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
Thesis statement: Although there are many difficulties being a single mother it is overall very rewarding.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis? Is it clear to you how each of the paragraphs relate to the process the writer is examining? Are any of the required steps or stages left out? Point out any paragraph(s) that you have difficulty relating to the thesis statement or process.
I think that although the paragraphs describe the routine of being a mother, there is not enough said about the rewards that come from the challenges of being a mother. Although the writer mentions the reward in the conclusion, I think she should have mentioned a reward in every paragraph. For the essay to be a process essay, I thought it was a little scattered. I think it could have been a little more organized. I think the fourth paragraph does not fit very well. The writer focuses less on the process of motherhood, and more on how Kimora eats. I think this paragraph would belong more if more steps were included.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order.
Because the writer is describing a day with Kimora, I do not think it should be arranged differently. I think to make the essay a little more cohesive the writer could have included more details within the paragraphs.
6. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific details?
I feel like the paragraphs don’t flow well. Some of the paragraphs have a topic, others don’t, and some repeat topics. Because this is a process of going through the day with her daughter, and things like eating are something that is repeated throughout the day, but I think there is a way to make each instance different and new. More details could definitely be added to make the paragraphs more interesting. I think some more detail about her daughter or some personality traits of her daughter could have helped make the essay more vivid.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
The paragraphs do not have apparent topics, so they do feel a little unorganized. Most of the sentences are relevant to the topic, I just feel like they lack interest. If more details were added, it would be easier to carry a topic throughout the paragraph instead of bring several different ideas into it. The essay would be more coherent if each paragraph had a topic, and the transitions between the paragraphs were in place.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
The writer talks about the challenges and difficulties of being a mother, but I think she loses this concept in the body of the essay. I think that each paragraph would have benefited if the writer introduced a challenge then ended the paragraph with a reward. I think the conclusion could have been improved if the writer focused again on the hardships of being a mother but reiterated the fact that in the end it is a reward to be a mother.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, switches in verb tense, etc.)
There are a couple of sentences that contain vivid detail which make the story more interesting. For instance when she said that her daughter was calm like an eye of the hurricane when she is asleep was very nice detail. The writer does not have a problem with spelling, few punctuation errors, but I do think that the sentences themselves need work. Adding more detail, adding comas when necessary, and some sentences are too short ad they jump from idea to idea. The essay would benefit if the writer paid more attention to detail in the sentences.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
What I like about the paper is that I get the impression that the writer enjoys the little challenges that her daughter presents her. I able to picture a mother running around after a toddler, cleaning up food, and doing homework while watching Dora the Explorer. I find the essay sweet and endearing. Two comments that I can make that could improve the essay is to add more vivid detail. I think it will make the essay more fun to read. Also, I think some humor could be added if the right words were chosen. The situation where Kimora got into her mother’s blush could have been a really funny story if more details were added. One technique I do when telling a story is try to envision it. I write down every detail; sound, sights, smells that help tell the story, and then I go back and refine the paragraphs. I think if the writer did this, the essay would only be that much better.
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